* Editor’s Note: Welcome to Lunchtime Clickbait, where we test oddly specific headlines establishing implausibly sweeping claims for oddly specific life strategies.
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Sure, it’s only been two days, but I can unequivocally say that smoked oysters have changed my life.
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How do I know for sure that smoked oysters are the best thing since sliced bread? Well, three days ago I had ideas as usual, but little energy for action. Sure, I got my work done, but then, meh.
For the past two days we have had smoked oysters for dinner, and for the past two days I have had far more energy and verve than usual. I think the connection is obvious.
Yesterday? I did all of the things. Work, yes, but also house and writing and creative fun stuff. Also peaches.
Today I’ll do that and more, and I’m sure that it’s all because of the smoked oysters. What’s not to love?
Will smoked oysters work for you? Maybe, and unless you have a shellfish allergy, they can’t hurt.
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Now, do I wish they didn’t come in cans designed to slice my fingers when taking them to the recycling bin? I do, but I also have a solution.
And many of the readily available options are from halfway around the globe, but it would be great if increasing local popularity also encouraged more local production.
It’s also encouraging to see the shells used as material for educational and shoreline reclamation projects like the Billion Oyster Project and the Tampa Bay Estuary Program.
Still not convinced that smoked oysters are right for you? What else does a sweeping claim for dramatic outcomes based on one small lifestyle change need for maximum reputability?
A Top Ten List, of course!
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Top Ten Reasons to Eat Smoked Oysters
10. They are great on salads, on pasta, in soups, on picnics, or straight from the can when you don’t have time for niceties like plates.
9. Canned, they are shelf stable to the Apocalypse and beyond.
8. Oysters purify water, are terrific for shoreline health, contribute to restorative aquaculture, and in a well-managed fishery are a great addition to a sustainable food system.
7. They remind me that the history of cities like New York is tied to the oyster.
6. Smoked oysters give an average day a bit of fancy dancy je ne sais quoi.
5. Oysters are rich in protein, good fats, iron, zinc, and copper. Eating them makes me feel practically electric!
4. Smoking takes away that weird sliminess of raw oysters that some people love but, well, I don’t. (Although maybe I haven’t tried enough of the good stuff, like those from High on the Hog‘s TheRealMotherShuckers.)
3. I still have warm fuzzy feelings from childhood, sitting in the living room recliner, reading, and eating after-school oyster stew.
2. Lord, I don’t know, isn’t this list done yet?
And finally, the number one reason to eat smoked oysters…
1. They are affordable, accessible, and Costco sells these babies in eight-can packs!
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J.R. Johnson 
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